im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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