does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize