Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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