Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Randomize
