I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
