this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize