My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
