I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
