i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
She's like a pop up book from hell.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I can't turn off my feet"
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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