Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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