Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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