Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
