You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
