I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize