Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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