just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I wanna passion pit in your ass
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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