Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
