we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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