nut hugger
the condom got lost in my hair
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
