She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
