hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
