I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Banned from zoo.
Again?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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