someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
