So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
