My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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