Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
