its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize
