just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
