i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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