I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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