I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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