mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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