I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
