Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize