He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
