i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
