yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
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