I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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