He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize