Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
