I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
