Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
