cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
ugly people sure do ruin things
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
