First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
