hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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