That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize