Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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