It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
