so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Randomize
