How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Randomize
