How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
