my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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