I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Everything about him screamed your future.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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