I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
