Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
