so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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