i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
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