I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
