im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
