I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i came on her dog
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
