can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
